Closed

pull back my covers.....close your eyes and feel with your hands....you trace you hands down my chest and pull back....your hands are wet....drenched.....I hear your curious eyes want to see....keep them closed.....your hands are covered in my blood...you trace your fingers over my heart...torn, ripped, stabbed, beaten....a pool of blood spills from me.....you feel me slipping away...keep them closed....place your hands on me....do not remove them.....watch my breathing become heavy....sweat drips from your body onto mine....I see your not giving up....your hand traces up my abdomen and pauses....afraid to feel my heart again.....I place my hand over yours and guide you closer....the closer you get the more intense I feel....I arch my back.....your shaking.....I bite my lip....a low moan excapes....keep them closed......as I come closer to my climax...I grip your hands tighter....pull you closer....your hand is there.....do you feel it.....over my heart....open your eyes.....lock them in mine....our passionate kiss.....our essence.....complete.....I look down....my body is covered in your blood....a single tear falls from my left eye as your body lays lifeless upon mine...then another...and another...I place my hands over your eyes....keep them closed.

-Miss.Niquey

sweet water diaries: entry one

my heart beats slow...
dangerous for anyone to try to get close....
let alone want to....
burdened with my own insecurities....
hardened by past tendencies.....
for me to fall beneath anothers heartbeat...
in hopes of it conjoining with me....
seems so far fetched from me....
you say fuck love...
I say love fucked me...
one time too many....
she'd give it to me good...
then i'd wake up in the morning, dollar bills on my dresser...
tears on my pillow...
lip stick smeared on my sheets from the night when her and me, were..
were we...
wondering where did she go....
love....
funny how i'll never stop loving you...
even so.....
I've noticed over time...
each time you come back, you stay longer than the time before....
in the back of my mind i'll always hope....
the next time you come in, the door behind you will remain closed....
metaphorically speaking....
you come and give me false hope only to leave my heart leaking, breaking, barely beating....
love.....
if you mention her name around me...
i'll turn my head the other way....
you think i'm hard...
no. never that..
i'm just......
i'm just hiding the tears falling down my face....
but i'll still push out a smile....
laugh and remain hopeful....
so bittersweet....
but love, love will always taste so good to me....
and love, love will always have her way with me.
-Miss.Niquey

Sex Phantom

she held my eyes until our stare broke... beautiful brown skin... she dissappeared without a trace... now i'm stuck with dreams and words... words that refuse to fall from my lips.... phantom feelings haunt me of her tracing my body with her fingertips.... I awaken to see only bed sheets wrapped around me.... each day i sit back in the shadows..... every day, at the same time... my eyes wonder upon the crowd... seeing familiar faces, but none belong to her..... I drift off to sleep...... I feel a hand on my shoulder..... "i must've fell asleep, I'm sorry" i say... then i look up..... my lips tremble..... eyes are locked.... a million thoughts racing through my mind... I can't get one word out... "where have you, what, how"...she places her finger against my lips...... I forbid the rest of my words..... I am now lost in her eyes.... she has never been this close... I can hear her heart beat.... it matches mine.... as if we are thinking the same thing... feeling the same thing..... seconds, minutes pass by.... I stand to face her... now she is eye to eye...... she's so beautiful.... dark brown eyes...... beautiful brown skin..... i gaze over her body.... even in her loose attire, I see her thickness...... I wanna touch her.... I step closer and she pulls me in for a kiss.... i hesitate... my heart is beating so fast, i can't stand it.... I close my eyes and bury my face in her neck.... she wraps her arms around my waist and I'm lost in her essence..... she smells like cocoa butter..... so sweet...... her hands start to trail up and down my spine..... I lift my head a little and kiss her neck...... I kiss her ears and back down to her collar bone..... low moans escape her lips.... i let my tongue glide along her throat and up to her chin...then her lips.... I glide the tip of my tongue across her bottom lip ..... she tries to kiss me, but i dodge her..... she pushes me against a wall and dips her tongue in my mouth... then she passionately kisses me....... our tongues begin a rapid violent dance.... our breathing deepens.... I feel myself becoming wet... a shy moan escapes my lips.... her hands begin to trace over my entire body, just as she would in my dreams..... she pushes my shirt up over my breasts without ever leaving my lips..... she slides my bra straps down and i have to pull my shirt off as she slides my bra off.... she pulls my face to her and stares me deep in my eyes.... she says a million things but nothing of sound..... we begin to kiss and i pull her shirt off and tug at her jeans.... she shoves my hand away and begins to massage my breasts.... it feels so good, I can't help but moan and arch my back.... i feel her tongue trace down between my breasts and now her tongue is circling my nipples.... my hands are now on her shoulders guiding her down...... she looks up at me and then stands up.... i try to push her down.... she pins my hands up over my head and lets her jeans fall..... she begins to kiss my neck and grind her pussy into mine.... she starts slow and then catches a rhythm.... my panties, her briefs..both soaked.... we are now kissing and moaning, grinding.... she is so nasty and i'm enjoying every bit of it.... from her stare to her demeanor.... my eyes plead with her... she knows what i want..... she moves my panties to the side.... she dips her finger in and feels how wet i am... she chuckles.... then she sucks her fingers dry..... she kisses me and i taste myself on her tongue... she starts to massage my swollen clit.... I quiver..... then she enters me with two fingers and I spread my legs even more, encouraging her to go deeper... she then begins to fuck me, her fingers are long and thick.... she fucks me in a curved motion, being sure to hit every wall.... I arch my back against the wall and start moaning in ecstasy and my legs begin to start shaking... she abruptly stops... I look down at her in anger..... she's staring hungrily at my clit.... a naughty smile appears on my face.... i pull her up to me and we get caught in a deep kiss..... she then lays me on my back, pushing my legs as wide apart as they will go.... she takes my clit into her mouth, oh...my.....god the tip of her tongue dances on my clit.... she then glides her tongue up and down my pussy lips.... then in and out of my pussy hole..... she puts her whole face in my shit.... eating me like she's been fasting for years from what she craves.... I cum over and over again and she just won't stop.... she bites my inner thighs and rubs her hands over whatever part of me she can get her hands on while she's lost in me.... I am in the most euphoric place..... I close my eyes and then I hear a voice.... "wake up Nique!. Wake the fuck up"... I open my eyes..... I don't see her... Damn was all I could say....-Miss.Niquey "Sex Phantom"

anti-suicide

stuck in a corner...
head in my hands....
she's shouting at me...
she's feeling helpless...
she's just watching...
my head is in my hands....
tears well up in my eyes.....
but they don't fall....
i feel like my mental health is decreasing...
again......
she called me out on it.....
she says whatever you need me to do, just ask, i'll do it...
clearly she's scared and worried about me....
she leaves hurredly and won't look at me for too long...
sometimes i feel like nothing is wrong....
like i can get through this.....
i hope that it's nothing out of my hands.....
maybe i'm just in denial......
is it really coming back to haunt me again??....
why???
what's causing this.....
is it because i've closed myself off from my friends and communication with the outside world...
i've convinced myself over and over again i don't need that....
I am fine playing solitaire...
but am I locking myself up in solitary confinement...
so other people see me as sick because of my anti-socialness.....
since i've come back, I haven't been the same......
haven't wanted the same....
haven't needed the same....
am I driving myself crazy I wonder....
it seems I can't have both love & sanity....
and when I have sanity, I dont have love....
but now my sanity is slipping, & I have love....
but this is no either or......
this is me stuck in the fog....
I think i have to take HER hand.......
completely in order for things to pan out and work.
me....
me i'm down to my last.

DRY ERASE BOARD TO STONE

to stand in the dark alone and scared was my choice...
for fear that if I step to the light...
my reality will have to set in....
constantly afraid that people will run ....
people won't understand....
no one will even try...
tears have forced themselves from my eyes...
I didn't want her to hear me cry like that....
in those tears lives the pain and hurt built up from my entire life up to date...
I've never been able to release, so the pain is instilled deep within me....
I hide behind my smiles and humor, make people focus on themselves or what's at hand other than....
than what's inside of me.......
then here she comes, prying me open....
my contents are spilling.....
I am begging and pleading to wake up and find out this is just a dream...
a dream of a fictional character I've created...
instead I'm reminded that I'm left with a permanent clause...
when she gets too close....
I flinch...
shove her away...
fear that she won't stay anyway...
so where does that leave me....
forced to live a life unfulfilled and empty..
so no one can ever get...
get too close....
when inside i'm scared, perhaps more than most...
it's easier to run, than face....
GOD I'm so tired of running....
tonight my conscience spoke to me....
in this case, you might be the only one to run....
do you want to leave her....
leave her still standing....
she's trying......
she's reaching....
don't let fear get the best of you...
well motherfuck that....
cause tonight FEAR is rearing it's ugly head...
BEcause tonight...
tonight I fell inlove with her...
and that fact kinda sorta like REALLY MAGNIFIED the FEAR...
the FEAR that lives in me ...
my clause tells me that she deserves better...
that she can do so much better than me...
tears fall because I know she'll say that's not true..
.she'll probably hurt because i feel this way...
But I never want to end up being her regret in the long run...
I don't want her making the decision to stay on impulse only later to wish she could take it all back....
on some weak shit.....
on some weak motherfucking shit...
I wish this was TWILIGHT...
I wish I could show her I glistened like diamonds in the sun....
but...
that's just not the case.

Shits REAL..

watered down lesbian

I remember when I used to be...the kinda girl who would enjoy the simplicity....in life...who could find comfort just in the arms of the one that loved her....who didn't need all the extra glitz and gold..and glamour?and then comes this 'I need a long haired thick red bone"...now i'm pushing my boobies up...surfacing my depth...playing the role trying to be "the baddest bitch"..I picked up cocky from the busstop and left "my mystery" at the corner...I wear my heart on my mothafucking sleeve....tryna keep up with this "so called lesbian scene"....I used to ride out to UT wit the homie, go to the arts building and sit there and sing my heart out while playing the piano and goofing it up wit the homies......I used to be content in that...I didn't give a fuck about the hype...I was.....The hype...I used to be enough for me.....and fuck her if she didn't like me....cuz I know she won't fight me...yeh...I used to be that crazy...never ever that lazy....music used to MAKE me...not cover girl...not mac...fuck all that....art was...is me....in that I seek my destiny...profound and pure...I found my cure....from this..watered down lesbianism.
I remember when I used to be....the kind of girl who would spend hours trying to perfect a song...download an instrumental to my favorite slow song...hook my mic up and record with my baby sister....damn I was happy.....not a care in the world....but then this love thing.....this loneliness crept up on me....this girl and that girl.....but they didn't care to see me....just to see through me...."at their own reflection"..no protection I seek....if your gonna love me....then LOVE ME....your so caught up in these bimbos that walk around in stilettos...try to mold me??into them??the watered down lesbianism hit me....I fell down the stairs and damn near broke my ankle...the watered down lesbianism hit me....So now with you I have to be seen...not heard....damn ma your this, o0o0o mami your that...is that it...was that supposed to make me happy....content....haha..watered down lesbianism...
I watched her..over and over again...some random girl....she was just her...no glitz and gold...no hardcore accent like she's from uptown or down south...wasn't dressed up in a tutu with a shemah round her neck...no fitted...nothing...just her and her acoustic...singing probably one of her favorite songs...being her...individuality...it's so much easier to just BE YOU...and it looks so much better on a person...weirdwhen she started singing that song and tapping that acoustic..it took my mind back to ME...guess I didn't feel so watered down anymore...It just feels like I been walking around the same block....like I got so accustomed to "this" shallowness....I forgot that I indeed like to go DEEP....Like I forgot it's okay to Just BE me.Instead of this watered down lesbian.

-MiSS.NiQueY

P.S. ummm I am unique and blah and blah like you all say...but none of you know me or my capabilities. So if you wonder Why I feel this way, like I shouldn't. I can only say this, For a moment i got wrapped up and have been for quite some time. Due to being around superficial people. But I always kept my individuality, I can't really help that, but i still feel like I've conformed a little too much. i'VE gotten used to a bunch of shit that is SOO BORING TO ME. I want my music back, and there's so much more to it, than what can be heard. Alot of you won't understand, because from what i see, so many of you are "caught up". -Miss.NiquEy.
P.P.S I know the title is HELLA WeiRD.

Rest In Peace To The King Of PoP

My first love will always be music....you indeed are one of the most inspiring aspects to all that I love....Thank you so much for your impact in the World...You are loved and will forever live in a many hearts...Through your music , you are a true element.Rest In Peace Michael Joseph Jackson 8.29.58-6.25.09

I am your Past

Upon counting the drops of blood from a barely slit wrist...
to the seconds before you surrender to that moment of guilty bliss...
from the girl holding her head in her hands...
to the man standing above her zipping up his pants..
to judge what you've been through....
is to make you relive those moments....
in which tears stained everything around you...
still eating away at your core....
bringing you to clench my heart in your grip....
i can barely breathe....
as my blood slides down your fingertips.....
my heartbeat seems to almost cease...
but i trust you...
as my life is now in your hands...
i trust you....
to let go of me and loosen your grip...
so that you can go on...
what I have caused you...
this burden on your soul...
please don't hold me prisoner ...
because in the end you are only a factor of my doings...
when I'm.....
when I'm trying to fade away....
so if you must shut your eyes so tight and ball up your first...
giving me blow after blow........
envisioning the death of me....
til i'm on my knees...
begging you....
for mercy....
you fail to realize, that is indeed, what's keeping me......
keeping me alive....
you must let me go.........
love must find your heart......
so in this desperate attempt....
I shall use my last winding moments to tell you..
.barely above a whisper......
the only way out of this misery that is me...
is to let go...

I am your past.

Note from the writer: [me]: I guess this is a violent reminder of how important it is to let go of your past. Your past has the ability to psych you out of existence, therefore causing you to repeat it, thus never founding your future. It kills your soul and you become inhuman, in the worst way.
AS ALWAYS,-MISS.NIQUEY

just like water

in my mind i tell myself....
if i could be anything to her....
i'd wanna be everything to her...
the most important thing to her...
the most potent thing for her...
something she cannot run from......
something she'd run to...
run in.....
and out of...
but always thirst for more....
i'd be just like water....
she'd need me inside of her.....
sometimes she'd be so full of me...
i'd sneak my way out.....
only to find my way back in....
again....
and again....
sometimes trickling off of her skin....
unhealthy she'd become without me...
i'd nourish your body...
rid you of all that waste.....
i'd replenish you...
marinate your skin and keep you beautiful...
and you shall drink me....
take me into your core.....
watch me slip into the crevices of your body ...
after a long day...
you'd come home to me...
bare your soul....
you'd stand under me.....
and let me wash away the stress....
i'd trickle down your body...
your face...
your neck....
down between your beautiful breasts....
and you'd feel so much relief...
you'd smile......
what a beautiful smile.......
go a day without me....
try and bear a week without me....
but you could not survive a lifetime without me....
you'd need me...
and yes...
yes i'd be there...
Just like water.

1:39 a.m.
sat
June.06.2009

one of my weird venting moments

i felt like i was free but im still on lockdown a million fucking smiles gone...
now all i can do is frown...
i must really be fucked up, more than i thought
it took one memory and now my brain is shot
[hard sigh]
get me the fuck outta here
i promise i wont shed another tear
but these thoughts seem like they gonna be wit me for years
i doubt it
at least for the time being
and they wonder why im always actin an azz and party'n
this the shit that happens when im not in the fastlane
thoughts set in and try to drive me insane
fuck
i chunked the bitch out the window watched the bitch fall stories down
I turn around she's back hauntin me now.

Why did i write this and where did it come from?? I don't fucking know... where does my writing ever come from... it's just concocted of a million emotions i feel.. they come rushing at once.. i have to push them out.... All I know is im haunted by bad memories.. and they try to prevent me from moving forward... and its irritating the hell out of me and making me feel afraid of shit... i don't like it... but this too..shall pass. P.S. [ im not a stud..but i still have an imaginary dick..dont kick me between my legs.]

another love spat [08 throwback]

attention [this is something i wrote for my ex a while back when we were together...NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE...but i guess i wanted to post this...maybe you can see how hard NiQuey fell, when I did]...but i got baqq up on that note.

I USED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.... USED TO SPILL MY HEART OUT FOR NO APPARENT REASON ONTO PAPER.... I HAD TO GET WHAT I LACKED AS A CHILD OUT OF MY SYSTEM SOMEHOW.... IF I WASN'T LOVED AND HAD NOBODY TO LOVE.... I FIGURED I WOULD PRETEND..... GUESS I FELL INLOVE WITH WRITING..... BUT NOW..... I FOUND HER..... SO MY WRITING HAS SLIGHTLY CHANGED.... IT HAS A BETTER REASON.... I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN HOW MUCH I LOVE HER.... I SWEAR I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD EXPERIENCE FINDING MY ONE TRUE, SOUL MATE, LOVE, BEST FRIEND, EVERYTHING IN ONE PERSON....... I HAVE AND IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.... CLOSE FRIENDS OF MINE KNOW HOW IT WAS WITH ME.... MY PAST WAS LIKE A SICK JOKE, THE THINGS I'VE BEEN THROUGH..... THE HURT AND THE PAIN I'VE EXPERIENCED OUTSIDE AND IN MY HOME...... I COULD BRAG AND BOAST ABOUT HOW BAD I'VE HAD IT FOR SO LONG.... BUT... YOU KNOW WHAT.... I'D REPEAT IT ALL AGAIN IF I KNEW IT WOULD LEAD ME TO HER..... AND SO WHAT IM ABOUT TO RELEASE FROM INSIDE... IT'S ALL TO HER, FOR HER AND BECAUSE OF HER...... THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO ME.... YOU COMPLETE ME..... THIS IS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD [JUST ME WRITING IN STYLE, DON'T TRY TO FIND A SCHEME, THERE ISN'T ONE].....
HERE IT GOES.... DOT....DOT....DOT...

WHEN YOUR HANDS...
CROSSED MINE....
WHEN YOUR LIPS...
TOUCHED MINE....
WHEN YOUR EYES.... MET... MINE.....
THE WORLD DISSAPPEARED AND MY HEART BECAME YOUR SLAVE....
IN A WAY...
ANY WAY...
IM TRYNA SAY...
YOU....
COMPLICATE ME....
CHANGED ME....
MADE ME....
MAKE ME.....
YOU...
TAME ME...
NO ONE COULD EVER...
DO ME BETTER....
READY TO WALK ON WATER.....
FLY THROUGH CLOUDS....
CAN'T HEAR MY THOUGHTS...
MY HEART BEAT IS TOO LOUD....
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME....
WHATEVER IT IS...
DO IT...
HARDER.....
DEFENDING YOU TO A CATCH PHRASE...
FRIENDS LOOKING AT ME LIKE....
ANYWAY...
ROLLING EYES OF ENVY....
ALL BECAUSE YOU GET ME....
I GET YOU....
RANDOM.....
BUT THIS IS WHAT I FEEL....
THIS IS ME BEING REAL....
NO LETTING GO....
PAST TAKING IT SLOW....
PLEASURE....
SHE IS MY PLEASURE...
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT I COULD BANISH MY POLITENESS...
I'D RATHER BANISH MY POLITENESS....
HARD TO KEEP COMPOSURE AROUND HER.....
HARD TO MAKE SENSE....
HARD TO STARE AT HER AND MAKE A STATEMENT...
I HAD TO BITE MY LIPS SO MANY TIMES TO SNAP BACK TO MY REALITY....
I'D GET SO LOST IN HERS....
OURS...
NOT YOURS.....
SHE IS MY OWN...
I AM HER OWN....
SO DANGEROUS IT IS FOR AN OUTSIDER LOOKING TO INTERFERE....
NO CRAZY COMPETITION WITH THE PAST.....
RACING AGAINST TIME TO HOLD YOU CLOSE....
AND AT THE SAME TIME WANTING TO HOLD YOU LONG AND SLOW....
FLIPPING AND TURNING THE HOUR GLASS OF TIME TO PERFECT OUR MOMENTS... BUT NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH UNTIL IM IN YOUR ARMS AGAIN...
THEN ALL WILL BE TOO GOOD....
PERFECT.

the feelings [08 throwback]

IT TOOK ALOT FOR ME TO GET HERE.... THIS YEAR ALOT HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.... FROM MY HEART...... ALOT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO MY MIND AS WELL.... I'VE GROWN UP MORE THIS YEAR THAN ANY OTHER..... I CAN HONESTLY SAY IM READY TO STEP AWAY FROM THE CHILD I ONCE WAS...COMPLETELY.... ONE THING THAT I THOUGHT I HAD FOUND A MANY TIMES IN MY PAST..... I BELEIVE THAT I HAVE TRULY FOUND..... SOMEONE TO LOVE... A BEAUTIFUL BROKEN WOMAN..... PERFECT TO THE EYE.... BUT FAR FROM PEFECT BENEATHE THE SURFACE.... YET I CAN'T STOP DIGGING THROUGH HER.... BENEATHE HER SKINS...... MISTAKE AFTER MISTAKE IS MADE..... BUT I CAN'T TURN AWAY.... SHE IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MYSELF TO END UP WITH.... SHES UNLIKE ME IN MANY WAYS.... WHEN YOU CAN LOVE SOMEBODY AND THEY ARE PERFECT IN YOUR EYES....ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING..... BUT WHEN YOU CAN LOVE SOMEBODY WHO IS TRULY IMPERFECT IN YOUR EYES..... AND WANT FOR THAT PERSON TO REMAIN ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE..... WHEN YOU CAN LOVE SOMEBODY BACK FROM THEIR MISTAKES..... IT'S A MASTERPEICE OF LOVE...... NOTHING IS PERFECT....NOTHING. WHEN YOU CAN COME TO TERMS WITH THAT IN SOMEONE.... YOU FIGURE OUT THAT LOVE COMES FROM THE THE HARDSHIP YOU MUST GO THROUGH... THE HISTORY YOU CREATE WITH SOMEONE.... THE FUTURE YOU BEHOLD WITH SOMEONE...... WHEN TWO PEOPLE DESPITE THE MISTAKES THEY MAKE....HOLD ON TO EACHOTHER....AND REFUSE TO EVER LET GO..... IT'S ONE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS IVE COME TO FACE IN MY LIFE.... AND ONE OF THE BEST....... SHE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS... I COULD'NT HAVE KNOWN... NO FEELING I HAVE EVER FELT PREVAILS WHAT SHE MAKES ME FEEL INSIDE..... AND TO THINK THAT I COULD ALL COME TO AN END.... ITS LIKE WALKING IN THE DARK FOLLOWING A LIGHT AND NOT KNOWING WHERE ITS LEADING YOU.... I JUST TRUST IT....... SHE IS MY LIGHT....... I SEE FLICKERS THAT TRY TO DISTRACT ME, BUT THEY WILL NEVER BE AS BRIGHT OR REMAIN AS SHE HAS... PEOPLE SAY THAT INLOVE YOU DO STUPID THINGS...... AMONGST THE THINGS THAT ARE DONE IN THIS WORLD.... PEOPLE THAT ARE LOVING.... ARE THE ONES THAT ARE SMILING THROUGH THIS DISASTEROUS PLACE WITHOUT A WORRY IN THE WORLD.... SO I LOVE HER.....

words don't amount

If I could add up all the love in the world...
times that by all the hate that happens on a daily basis...
maybe then you would notice truth instead of placing it as fakeness....
I tell you i love you all the time
I cry for you
I bet you never knew that i'd lay my life on the line
because of loveI'd die for you
your not sure of how much i love you
right now I can only tell you
the depth in which I feel it, I have no words to explain to you
for now I must combine with humanity and say those three words
maybe toss in a couple of heartfelt verbs
still it never could amount, sometimes I dont want to even bother
words dont mean shit to me, actions speak louder
but if it helps to convince you
gives you something to remininsce to
substitutes a kiss or hug to let you know how much you mean boo
I'll give it to you, you got it no problem
swallow my words and wrap ya heart around em
all I say,
All I could say still would never amount
the way I love you how much I love you
my want to grow old and die with you
how your beauty could never subside
inside and out...
I could keep this goin on for
a lifetime and never stop...
still these are only words...
they just don't amount.

[written by me....nique...duh]
this a throwbaq i wrote.....2008.

so this would be my...

new blogging spot..
I usually take up my myspace or downelink to blog...
no one pays attention to myspace blogs, at least not mine...
and I've deleted my downelink....
if you've had one before [downelink]...
lol..
you'd understand why i no longer have one....
i'd rather be surrounded by straight people then lesbians via internet and outside in the world...
my gaaaaaa.....
my gosh as lesbians we are too much when in a crowd.....
but at times it can be fun.......
but all the time???
lesbian real world [still waiting on that one].......
they really should give us a reality show [not some bullshit tila tequila b.s]...
I mean some real lesbians [studs included] all under one roof to showcase our lifestyle....
sheesh...
is it just me or does the media not broadcast studs, doms, ags at all...
the broadcast one [snoop] on the show the wire....
wonder why she mad famous , because she's the only showcased stud......
lesbians are not too hot girls making out or fucking with tans and bikinis...
blah...
we are real fucking women....
fuck it...
fuck america dammit...
lmfao [ikid ikid]....
i guess i'll stick to youtubing my fellow lesbians ....
thats all we get hmph...
youtube...
guess we'll take that over then...

unconditional love

Too determined to make you happy..
I sacrificed my smiles just so you could have yours....
enclosed myself in my mind and put a masque over my surface...
just because I was too scared of you hurtin me...
like you did...
like you do....
your supposed to be my mother....
you love me unconditionally right??
unconditional with the condition of being who I am and will always be right momz??
you always say it...
"i love you know matter what, your my first born"...
you say that shit only right after you figured you hurt me.....
but its all to the good....
i've learned to accept being unaccepted.....
like that little girl accepted those cigarettes being put out in her skin...
me and her both, we had no choice....
it's the mother's love we seek, so we'll take it however we get it...
as long as it's there right??
you love me unconditionally mother??
just the other day we watched a movie...
"cover"you "had no idea" it was about brothers on the DL...
you made me sit there and watch it with you, so you could say the meanest most cruel things you could think of at all the "homosexual parts" and then look over at me with disgust.......
after the torture of watching the movie with you...
.family time right??...
I went upstairs and stood in the bathroom trying to fight the tears, but it rained that night.....
it rained that night.....
I gotta be strong though...
I came up out of that restroom with a smile on my face....
you smiled back too....
you said " it was a good movie right"?...
I nodded my head and carried on with my day.....
I won't fight to be loved by you anymore......
.if you only love me sometimes, fine by me....
conditioned love....
funny how the conditions will never change...
I will always be a lover of women....
I won't change the lyrics to my song, to make you wanna listen to it....
I used to...
I felt I had to.....
so if you must carry on with the scenarios in which you make me feel like im dirt beneath your shoes mother.......
because of who i am........
I love YOU , unconditionally.....
but I won't always be here.

[true story this time].

The scenario

she grabbed her hand, tears spiiling from her eyes.... she couldn't find the words to say.... say she's sorry..... she swallowed hard, felt a knot in her throat.... then she blurted out... "I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU...NOT A DAY WENT BY THAT I DIDN'T REGRET LETTING YOU GO... IT WAS THE STUPIDEST... HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE....YOU WEIGHED ON MY HEART EVERY DAY...CONSUMED MY THOUGHTS....EVEN WHILE I WAS WITH HER....CLAIMING I LOVED HER,THAT I WANTED A LIFE WITH HER...I WAS LYING TO MYSELF...I REALLY JUST WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THE HELL I WAS LIVING AND YOU WERE TOO CLOSE TO WHERE IT WAS AND I COULDN'T DEAL..SO I SETTLED AND BELEIVED LIES WERE MY TRUTH AND TRUTHS WERE MY LIES..TRUTH WAS I WAS RUNNING FROM MYSELF....YOU FOUND ME AMONGST MY TROUBLED DAYS AND I IGNORED IT...I REALIZE I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU , LEFT US...I SHOULD HAVE HAD FAITH"... shaking and feeling defeated.... she let her hand go.... looked her one last time in her eyes..... and walked away. [[[WHAT A HEARTBREAKING SCENARIO I'VE COME UP WITH]]] IT'S FICTION; BUT IT COULD HAPPEN.

whispers in the dark

as i sit in the dark...
your silhouette dances in my mind.....
as your shadow once danced on my walls..
as your body danced to my rhythms, against my sheets....
I've never seen you...
yet at times you have been my deepest feeling...
[laugh] you don't even exist ......
[pause] funny how my lips are still wet from your kiss....
as i lay here....
drunk off you....
high off you....
it doesn't matter anymore that your gone....
you always leave your "footprints in the sand"....
when I arise from this state of euphoria....
I'll find you......
in hopes that you find me first......
but before you leave me...
I ask your name...
LOVE, you reply.....
Love.

_Miss.NiQuey "Whispers In The Dark" 05/17/2009 4:21 am

dear diary, i am gay.

MiSS.NiQuey™'s Blogs
05/06/09 07:33 PM
i found a smile...
took a while....
indeed im relieved...
for a second i was so caught up in my head....
i forgot to breathe....
i was stuck in a mirror...
seeing everything but me....
being swallowed by misconceptions....
i created within me....
today i stood around for a while...
contemplating my next move in life......
thought about all i've done.....
thought about all i'd do....
the past is done...
i can't change that...
but my future, god willing, is in my own hands....
the important thing is I learned from all of my mistakes....
many i have made......
so to my past i say thank you.....
and to my future.......................
sooner than later..
bout to make a BIG CHANGE.
blah....
im done
[sorry couldn't think of a title, bet you thought this was gonna be another deep one from me, sorry kids....] =)

let it slip

speechless.
have you ever wanted to say soooo much to somebody...
but felt they wouldn't hear you.....
thats how i feel right now....
you see the smiles yeah.....
inside i feel nothing, just hollowness..
it takes a whole lot of strength to act like everything's okay...
when in fact, i feel...
everything is gone....
MY EVERYTHING is gone...
i ask god everyday " why does he make me feel i have to keep fighting this?"...
why is she still so strong on my heart like this??.......
please go away...
*tears*please go away.
fuck this shit...
imma keep myself busy like i been.
* fixes hair, wipes tears, carmexes lips, flies off*

sooner than later

in the depths of her spirit she twinged with guilt......
but on her surface you saw nothing but smiles of laughter....
you couldn't help but love her.....
who would've known the dark secrets she possessed deep within....
even to those who had just entered her life.....
she was a light......
that in their darkest moments, here she'd come brightening up a room.......
a life......
no one wanted to believe it........
we still don't..........
but she, she was different.....
she was better than what haunted her spirits........
she knew that...
we knew that.........
how do you fix that......
how do you free someone from something like that........
out of our hands...........
but still in our hearts..........
our minds..........
even still i assume she knows the impact she made.........
the dark days in which she brought light......
the bright days in which she brought brighter.....
at the thought of her i can only smile and laugh......
nothing but the best memories.......
and the intuition that there will be more to come....
sooner than later............
you beautiful girl.......
you stand strong.......
sooner then later......
you will be home.........
-nique
[dedicated to a lady that always brought a smile to my face and made the fun times much more so when she was around.......a lady so alive and loving......a lady that touched the hearts of many i knew....she had a past she ran from but caught up with her.....and now she's incarcerated.....she doesn't belong there......*shakes head* she doesn't belong there....she'll walk out sooner than later...Tish you'll walk out sooner than later........you WILL leave that wretched place.]

a weak moment

I dare not cry, with no shoulder.......
I hate knowing what it's like to have someone to hold you....
if I never knew what it was like.....
it wouldn't hurt so much now that it's over..
I wouldn't miss it......
it's not her......
it's what she stood for.....
who i cried to.....
who i shared my depth with...
who knew everything........
i want all that back in the form of another woman....
i had nobody but her.....
i let all my friendships go......
now.....
i have nobody.....
standing in the middle of the crowd.......
quiet i am.....
still i am.........
staring off into space.....
no expression on my face.........
i long for the deepness of a friendship...
the intensity...
the connection.......
guess i'm just a comet lost in space.......
a star in which you daze......
in my weak moment.....

don't read this

this is bullshit, don't read pondering in the shadows of humans...
lies truth......
you can play a role.....
act like someone you aren't....
don't let me in and push me out....
when your pushing is only drawing me nearer and nearer...
causing the fear in you to rise like the water when moses parted the red sea....
i slipped into religion for the rhyme, go ahead and blame me....
this randomness in which i speak...
only may make sense to me.......
who gives a fuck.....
i drank too much....
now i gotta go pee......
tyra banks is so full of shit.....
her show is merely another loophole for the media to exploit the ignorant....
pssshhh........
sunny d.....
don't taste the same......
when i was a younger kid i was addicted....
now i drink the shit when i'm pissed and outta liquor.....
haha.....
liquor....
lick her.......
i wanna lick her.....
i want some liquor.....
psshhhh either way.....
i'd still get drunk.....
drunk off the funk.....
pussy funk.....
what the fuck am i writing....
sheesh my mouth is vulgar.....
ha...
so is my tongue.......
i'm out, but never done. [bitch you read it anyways??]

& again i write

what is it????the deepness in which i embrace is closed off to this world....not something i flaunt about myself in hopes of being discovered??or maybe it's something i unknowingly flaunt about myself in hopes of being misplaced....no that couldn't be....why couldn't she....be the beginning instead of the end of me??no...."end of me", pssh i laugh.....just words i wrote to pass......on to the next line..maybe next time.....in my mind....no......out of my mind......into my life.....maybe then someone would realize...everything that goes on inside.....is a flawride....another reason to hide??...no........maybe justify....sigh.....waiting around on someone to elevate my mind....in between these wastes of my time......entertaining some.....irritating most.....do i have high standards??shit...don't most???even that skinny tall girl with the acne......she said " i laughed at this fat girl who tried to get at me"....i laughed....for reasons unsaid....ofcourse she figured i agreed to her humility...not....just the other day, this fat girl told me...we were on the subject of low self esteem...and then she said to me..."i flirt with this skinny tall girl with acne, just to make her smile, no meaning"....this world......you'd think revolved on the flawless.......no there is no such thing.....the thought exists in purity....of one who accepts the flaws in which they see only make up as beauty....flaws make up beauty......eyes.....smile....lips..style.....she saw those eyes and laughed, said " she looks like a cat"...i saw those eyes and was intrigued, I said " beauty indeed"...you focus on someone to agree in what you see..pathetic i say.......trends.....followers.......the clock is ticking and you fools aren't seeing the big picture......by the time you realize.........by the time you figure........what "it's" about.....psshhhh.....it just won't matter.....

side effects

i woke up looking around....went from smiling to frowning...you weren't there....reminiscing of the mornings in which i'd just stare at you....so beautiful......kiss your lips while you slept......now i only see you in my dreams.....we are always so happy in my dreams.....we still........but each day i wake up and reality sets in....we still, followed by no more....hopeful that something like forever is in store....chasing emotion over truth, we...be no more....clouded by all the love i have for you...still.....each thought of you used to make me live, now it kills...kills me.....I surrender my Love in hopes that it will come back....because nothing else fits in my heart, where you used to be at.....where you used to be home.....where you used to be safe...safe with me.......and when you were safe with me, i was......i was safe with you.........but now im broken yet again......i loved you so hard that im drained and empty....and any attempt i make........i fuck it up before it can even happen....sad thing is though i may act discouraged...i truly am not....because those attempts are not you....and my self will not allow me to fool it....my heart although it hurts and yearns for you will no longer allow you to run it...run it down....i stand emotionally drained....a few steps short of sane.............in hopes of forgetting your name.......thoughts of you from i refrain.....truth is what i refrain and hope is still in reverse.....when i'm asked who I love, want, need.........your name comes out first.
_Niquey
-just something I typed off the top of my head.........it may be fiction or non-fiction.....but that shouldn't be any of your business either way....just enjoy the read...til next time.