anti-suicide

stuck in a corner...
head in my hands....
she's shouting at me...
she's feeling helpless...
she's just watching...
my head is in my hands....
tears well up in my eyes.....
but they don't fall....
i feel like my mental health is decreasing...
again......
she called me out on it.....
she says whatever you need me to do, just ask, i'll do it...
clearly she's scared and worried about me....
she leaves hurredly and won't look at me for too long...
sometimes i feel like nothing is wrong....
like i can get through this.....
i hope that it's nothing out of my hands.....
maybe i'm just in denial......
is it really coming back to haunt me again??....
why???
what's causing this.....
is it because i've closed myself off from my friends and communication with the outside world...
i've convinced myself over and over again i don't need that....
I am fine playing solitaire...
but am I locking myself up in solitary confinement...
so other people see me as sick because of my anti-socialness.....
since i've come back, I haven't been the same......
haven't wanted the same....
haven't needed the same....
am I driving myself crazy I wonder....
it seems I can't have both love & sanity....
and when I have sanity, I dont have love....
but now my sanity is slipping, & I have love....
but this is no either or......
this is me stuck in the fog....
I think i have to take HER hand.......
completely in order for things to pan out and work.
me....
me i'm down to my last.