unconditional love

Too determined to make you happy..
I sacrificed my smiles just so you could have yours....
enclosed myself in my mind and put a masque over my surface...
just because I was too scared of you hurtin me...
like you did...
like you do....
your supposed to be my mother....
you love me unconditionally right??
unconditional with the condition of being who I am and will always be right momz??
you always say it...
"i love you know matter what, your my first born"...
you say that shit only right after you figured you hurt me.....
but its all to the good....
i've learned to accept being unaccepted.....
like that little girl accepted those cigarettes being put out in her skin...
me and her both, we had no choice....
it's the mother's love we seek, so we'll take it however we get it...
as long as it's there right??
you love me unconditionally mother??
just the other day we watched a movie...
"cover"you "had no idea" it was about brothers on the DL...
you made me sit there and watch it with you, so you could say the meanest most cruel things you could think of at all the "homosexual parts" and then look over at me with disgust.......
after the torture of watching the movie with you...
.family time right??...
I went upstairs and stood in the bathroom trying to fight the tears, but it rained that night.....
it rained that night.....
I gotta be strong though...
I came up out of that restroom with a smile on my face....
you smiled back too....
you said " it was a good movie right"?...
I nodded my head and carried on with my day.....
I won't fight to be loved by you anymore......
.if you only love me sometimes, fine by me....
conditioned love....
funny how the conditions will never change...
I will always be a lover of women....
I won't change the lyrics to my song, to make you wanna listen to it....
I used to...
I felt I had to.....
so if you must carry on with the scenarios in which you make me feel like im dirt beneath your shoes mother.......
because of who i am........
I love YOU , unconditionally.....
but I won't always be here.

[true story this time].